Don't underestimate the value of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue to a teenage boy.

For older men, it's great seeing Kate Upton in body paint. But you can go online and see girls as hot as Kate Upton (like my new porn crush, Rikki Six) being used as pincushions.

But for teenage guys, who might have a tougher time getting privacy for that sort of Internet access on the family computer, the SI swimsuit edition is a Godsend.

Go in the bathroom. Create a distraction by flushing the toilet, running the shower or blasting a radio. Sit down and go nuts like Brad Hamilton in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." (Phoebe Cates' topless scene in that movie is also a Godsend, BTW.)

The SI swimsuit issue enables a young kid with raging hormones to turn his body into an amusement park, and Mom and Dad think you're in there reading about the race in the NL Central. Which, come to think of it, is often REALLY OBSCENE.

KATE UPTON. BODY PAINT. NIPPLES. NAKED. Ya wanna whole lotta love?

The Penguins are considering a swimsuit calendar. Katie O'Malley's naked frame will be sloppily doused with a can of Sherwin-Williams, then snapped. CAN'T WAIT.


Photo courtesy of SportsIllustrated.com.


Photo courtesy of SportsIllustrated.com.